Since some comments are negative in nature, we must be careful not to arouse the defense mechanisms in the person concerned. Defense mechanisms are innate mechanisms to protect a person when he feels that he is under attack. Once activated, they will serve as protective armour for the person and affect his or her communication with the outside world. Accurate transmission of messages will become extremely difficult. Interpersonal relationship will also be negatively affected.
To promote effective communication, one simple method is to frame comments in objective and neutral (instead of subjective and evaluative) language. This will reduce both the sense of threat to the person and the chance for defense mechanisms to be activated.
Example one
Original: 'Your opinions are so childish that no adults will agree with them!'
Revised: 'I don't agree with your opinions and these are my reasons.'
(Note: The original version evaluates not only the ideas but also the person. Making generalization about personal quality is unwarranted.)
Example Two
Original: 'The evidence that you quoted and the conclusion that you drew are totally wrong.'
Revised: 'I have different views about the evidence that you quoted and the conclusion that you drew.'
(Note: The original version sounds judgmental and rigid and deters the other party from discussing further.)
Exercise
(1) You are so careless that there are tons of errors in your report. I am very disappointed with you!
(2) You come to work late and leave early every day. Other staff members have to wrap up your unfinished business for you and this is driving them crazy.
(3) You never keep your promise and do what you have agreed to do. The project is now delayed and everyone in the office is so pissed off.
(4) Your report is such a mess that no one will understand. What's the point of printing it so professionally?
(5) The conclusion that you drew is subjective and biased. It is obvious that you have not considered all the relevant data.
Written by Ms. Beatrice Hung, Registered Psychologist, Accredited Mediator and Facilitator of Workshops on Building Positive Workplace
Cultivating positive communication is not difficult. Give it a try. Let's start here and now!
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